I feel lousy. I rarely see my children. I can't afford to fly there nor can they fly back home.
The dread is they don't really think about getting together as much as we do.  I feel guilty about needing to be around them. Do other parents feel this way? 

My image of family is time together. I can't shake that. Family is number one for me in terms of meaning in life.  I have tried every hobby and get away.

My conclusion is I like family. I don't want to adopt or do for other families. I want mine while we are all still well and able to be together.  I don't think moving near them is the answer because it feels too uncertain. Uncertain money wise and if it would still give me family time, if that isn't important to them.

We have had many talks about my feelings but no conclusions.

Does anyone have these feelings and how did you solve the situation?

Thanks for being here on this website of empty nesters.

Carrie

So I get out of bed, work, feel productive and finish my to do list. I present great ideas at our conference meeting and laugh with colleagues.  I drive home, click on the music and chop the tomatoes for dinner before hubby comes home. He and I make tacos and slowly become quiet.

I feel done.  Done with cheering myself on that life is still so great.  Done with the list of goals for 2010 and of course, exercise like last year, is top on my list.  Done. Done. Done.

You know the truth for me, as Oprah would say, is that I am done doing the one role I never had to work at or make goals for and that is parenting.  Love it.  I don't want to be done. Yes, done with car pool and meetings and crying kids who need more attention. Done with staying up late to go and pick them up after a party. Done with their fever and stomach aches and OMG their homework support.  I am not done with hearing them on their phone or having their friends stand in the kitchen while I cook up a study group meal. I am not done with birthday parties and Halloween costumes.  I am not done simply knowing they are in the house.  But done it is.

They are in college. I am home. This back and forth roller coaster is difficult. I mean who am I when they are here and who am I when they are in college?

People say get over it. This is not really a problem.  People say find the peace. Find the gratitude of your life.  Pick new adventures and hobbies and causes to get involved with.

That doesn't work for me.  I miss my role and more than that, I miss seeing them grow up and up and up. I miss hearing them talk on and on as only that age of girls can do.  They are just vibrant and adventuresome and basically have all the time in the world.  I don't.

So truth is empty nest is empty. I am empty of their sound, ideas, and them needing me as much as they use to.  I am empty of their sweet sleeping faces.

Sure I am fine. Fine isn't enough right now. I truthfully know that the past was great as their mom and the future will still hold me as their mom but I will change. They will change and I don't have as much dream life time as I did. I don't have that feeling of forever their mom. Yep, they are growing up and my numbers are climbing the ladder.  Where did my years go and where am I headed without their schedule mixed with mine?  Could I plan a study abroad trip at my age of life?  Ha ha. 

Well thanks for listening to my emptiness today.  I know you get it.

Lisa

Hi everyone,

I am new to this online community. I feel safe already

.
I regret I didn't do more for myself when raising my family.  I was the good wife, pleaser, loyal friend and daughter.  I care take well and my children love that.

I am over it now. I worked but love of family was on my top list.  Now they are happy and out of the house.

Time for me to look ahead.  I don't have a lot of friends like I use to. My family is gone.  I am here.

I watch less TV so I don't get the blues of not having the house decorated, parties, right clothes to wear, shop shop shopping and oh aren't the holidays such a wonderful time for friends and family.  For some, yes.  No one wants to talk about the groups who don't have all that inspiration and gathering.

I am moving ahead. I make lists of what I will do when I am ready, like a book club at the house.

I cry and then get over myself.  I really have a good enough life. I can be happy so that is what I am wishing for.  New life with a friend, passions, and surprises that make me laugh. I want to use the talents I have and keep healthy in my mind and body.

Sometimes I wait too long to give to myself so I wrote a note in my bathroom, "Give to Lindsey today."

I have an anonymous mentor who is wonderful. I am not an alcoholic. I am a survivor of bad days.  I really wish for all of you that you find someone to help you when the blues trap you.

Happy life forward,
Lindsey

Hello,

I am single, love my career, but mostly love my children.  They are on their way to being grownups.  All are in college. It is great.

I knew the day would come and got previews of emptiness when they were rarely home, but it is not the same as them being gone for months.

I actually feel embarrassed that sadness visits me.  It is not like I didn't have a life outside my children. I am athletic and social, not isolated.

I make a good living not rich but not poor. Work life is fulfilling.  Dating is good. Not being THE MOM or with THE MOMS from their high school, is a loss.  I like that community. I get so happy when my kids call.

Something is for sure missing in my life. I do ok with not thinking about my kids or calling too much but some days, I feel immobile with the life I have.

I want to change not feeling like my life is enough or I am enough or that mothering meant more than all the other parts of my life.

Does anyone else have these thoughts?  What helped to make the changes?

Thanks for letting me write to all of you.

Ellen

"I never doubted that Natalie had my best interest and my family's interest in her heart as she passed me Kleenex and taught me fantastic skills to prepare for my empty nest."
Patricia Resnick, writer, author, award winner, NINE TO FIVE book, movie, and Broadway screenplay.

_________________________

"It a world where many people look at ageing as a negative it's truly refreshing to read Natalie's sage advice to empty nesters that life's glass can be half full not half empty".

Gill Walker
Managing Director
Evergreen Advertising & Marketing
Abbotsford ,VIC (Australia)

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"We were honored to have Natalie on the EZHelp, You and More Internet Radio Show.  Her contagious enthusiasm and subject knowledge provided us a very empowering interview.  I will always remember the "sticky fish" scenario."

BIG BOB
Host
EZHelp, You and More Show

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"College students aren't the only ones to face transition when they back their bags and say "sayonara" to casa de mom and dad. The parents standing before the (finally) clean, but empty bedroom face transition too. Natalie Caine supports empty nesters through the joys and challenges that come with new parental roles, while empowering moms and dads across the nation to create their own "brave new world!"

Maria Pascucci
President & Founder
Campus Calm - where students speak out about grades, stress and personal well-being

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"Natalie Caine has been the National Association of Baby Boomer Women's faithful Empty Nest Expert since the inception of our association in 2005. She continues to touch the hearts and souls of women and their spouses with her insightful knowledge regarding this heart wrenching, yet liberating time facing baby boomers nationwide. We appreciate her candor, wit and thoughtfulness when addressing this targeted audience. She is the sole expert who has dedicated her work to this critical passage of time."

Dotsie Bregel, Founder
National Association of Baby Boomer Women

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"Natalie truly understands the empty nest journey and continues to help me shift my mothering role and feed my dreams."

 
Linda Bergman, Bergman Entertainment.

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"Natalie facilitated our support group with compassion and inspiration in learning how to shift and take a step in a new direction.  I wouldn't have made it through the journey without her."  Anita Atencio, mother, graphic artist

Natalie Caine has been with Boomer-Living.com for three years.  During that time, she has developed a large group of devoted readers who look forward to her monthly advice and tips to improve their lives.  Natalie's understanding of social change is remarkable.  Each of her articles is enlightening, informative and interesting to read."

Dr. Douglas H. Fitzgerald
President and Founder
Boomer-Living.com

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"I wanted to take this opportunity to say thank you to Natalie Caine and her Empty Nest Support Services.

When I decided to take advantage of Natalie's articles in our boomer women section on Boomersforever.com web site I had know idea of the great response and interest I would receive from our numerous boomer readers. There is  a need for valuable information in this area Natalie writes about.

I think Natalie's article she wrote - Do You Know What You Want To Do? really reaches boomers who now face situations such as burn out, depression ,stress attacks and a general feeling of worthlessness. Not knowing what direction to go next, is a major problem for this growing generation. This article really helps create a positive attitude and give people ideas of what to do in there every day life. Great article Natalie!"

Howard Eva
Boomers Forever
info@boomersforever.com

Hi,

I just came back from Family Weekend at my son's college.  It was like old and new times but I didn't realize until I got back home, that I didn't plan for the future.

Sure we plan finances, and house care, and vacations, and health resources, but nothing for empty nest. 

Why didn't we hear about this cycle of our life where so much is suddenly lost but not found as rapidly?

The books don't really address the unspoken issues of other loses and aging and what now Alfie?  They seem to list or tell stories, which are what I am doing now, but I just want to feel part of a group where it is little by little that I have the energy to start something new or not.

I think I am a little clouded by getting older and not liking those numbers on the cake. I am healthy and have friends and work.  I just want something and can't name it now.

I am still sad that those days of being mom are different and at the same time happy that he is happy and that I know I will find my new happy or new normal as they say.

I really want to have people to talk with who are in this change or have been in it but don't push me to volunteer or get over it.  I am not over whatever the IT is.

I do believe I will have a new day to day without being the mom and be happy in it. I have been through losses with my parents and sort of miss them today.  That is another story but today. I just wanted to write and see if other people relate to my words.

 I thank you for listening to my today story and thank you for offering a place to put it. I feel normal on your website.

Meredith

Hi,

I am not new at empty nest.  My son is a junior in college now. I'm his mother.  I think I will just always say, "I'm his mother," but it is starting to sound vacant since no one is listening. I don't even listen to myself when I say that. 

I haven't found the I'm........For awhile I volunteered and that was good but I don't want to do that now.  I do work because I have to.

I'm ok with not filling in my own blank yet of what I am.  I get that it is my journey.  What is difficult for me is this new role with my son.

I still want him to call more often and I know he won't.  That doesn't take away wanting to hear what's up, but I understand he has to do his own thing.  This shift of role is what doesn't come easily for me.  I am trying to make that ok that it just isn't easy.  I don't text him like I use to but I do check my phone to see if he sent any message and I check my emails.  I am his mother. See I am still saying that and thought I wouldn't.  It is just that I am in a hurry to say more about me . I don't expect to ever not say I am his mother.  I just want to be more and I want to shift thinking mother first and be more of me and then mother.

Not easy to express but I am so glad to be with other empty nesters.

Thank you,
Meredith